Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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