Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
