life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
