Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
