yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
