im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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