So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
