So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize