I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
