You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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