I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize