did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
