And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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