If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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