dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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