i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
