"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
