Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
