at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
