i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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