Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
