My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
