I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
