theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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