First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
