fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
