I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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