I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
