If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
