My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
