I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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