if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
