he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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