My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
