i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
