just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
