she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
