I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize