I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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