I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize