I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
