He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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