I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize