I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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