Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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