All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
