You're completely useless in the revolution.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
