Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
