The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
