thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
