as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
