i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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