I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
