I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
