I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
