I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
