i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
