I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
