So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize