yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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