Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
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